void.

Does life sometimes feel like a guessing game?

It does for me. Words could not describe whether I felt glad it came out from another person's mouth, rather than the subject. Probably I knew deep down inside it was about to happen and all it took was a matter of time. Or maybe, just maybe, I had contributed in quickening the process rather than the pace it should have been. At times, this feels like a formality it becomes your daily routine thinking about this, as it occupies a certain amount of time in a day of your life. Imagine all of a sudden, that whole routine is taken away, leaving you with an empty space; void.

I dread the day that this would come. Perhaps it should have taken place way sooner, though not exactly perfect timing in my calender, but I wish I wasn't this low in life after hearing the news. Life has so much more to offer, and so has my career which is yet to take off like a jet plane. I know, better things are yet to come. And everything should take its cause, and I would achieve so much more, if only I let myself. Respect is something I crave for, an addiction for some. Today marks the day, I'll forget you.

Because I will, and because I must.

crossing bridges.

I've lost my appetite for you, and your cotton candies.


The ferry wheel does not intrigue me anymore. The bright apple lights, and shiny costumes are but dull and mundane. Your uncomprehending sideshows, and opaque explanations. All your ball-juggling acts and magic tricks does not intrigue me anymore. Maybe I should take a ride on the ferry wheel for the very last time, just to spend my last penny's worth. Or perhaps, I should just wait for another ride, that surpasses ball-juggling which seems just like every other act.

Today had no value, as it was worth much more to me, had it still been yesterday. A day that goes by just like every other insignificant ones. Have I lost my sense of urgency, or am I just not doing anything, responding to my thoughts telling me not to? Life seemed cruel for awhile, not having things my way, completely turning out the other way round for me. It feels as if, the edge of the cliff gives you the same feeling as that very spark of excitement right before you know its too late. Once you jump off the cliff, there's no turning back and your very last thoughts are sinking downwards as your very last thoughts are but the very last feelings you would have.

Should I just wait, with relentless hopes and dreams of a 'better' tomorrow? Perhaps, human beings often lack execution when it comes to bigger decisions, ending up leaving as it is, hoping earnestly that it would turn out fine. Perhaps, we often rely on chances, allowing nature to take its cause. In retrospect, maybe it was predestined to happen that way, be it for the better cause or not.
_

I still can't figure out, or rather would find myself being able to decipher your hand-written letters, or even your actions. Perhaps you were never meant to be understood. Or maybe all the while, you were but a nail I just needed to remove. I don't know anymore, and don't intend to find out. I guess I can't take you along with me anymore in this journey of life and what's left of it. Never have I not intended to do so.

Perhaps this episode, was never intended to be a happy one. However the subjectivity of this ending, might just come out good in our lives later on. As much I would like to hold your hand and cross the bridge together, I guess I might just have to do it on my own this time around. The distance across may seem close enough for one, but it wasn't always about how far it seemed, but rather how you're not holding my hand, crossing the bridge, on this utterly short journey of what we often call life...

_______________________________________________________

"There's still time to turn this around,
Should we be building this up,
Instead of tearing it down,
But I keep thinking,
Maybe its too late..."

-Theory of A Dead Man

two decades a gap.

Singapore.

My face was ablaze with excitement, as the plane was near approaching the border between both countries. Its funny how we're so near, yet every single time I make a trip down to Singapore, it feels so different.

--

Perhaps someday, there would be intentions of writing about such a place. Eloquently yet confidently, and probably it would take a day just touching on topics pertaining to this country. I find this destination somewhat unique and rather different from where I stay back here. Heck, I would not know where to begin from.

Perhaps the well planned infrastructures, to different pseudonyms used to describe similar foods we have back here, and the lack of traffic lights, had made me left my heart back there. Someone once told me, well planned of roads would only mean less traffic lights. I could never agree more, myself.

Perhaps rules were created to prevent, and would succeed only if they were enforced. Not redundant rules that would not benefit or to create a sense of remorse. I was informed of the many rules that this country had implemented, from the switches by the escalators, to the emergency stop buttons on the transit lines. And, all only for a hefty sum, for some a blatant excuse to splash more money on.

Well, that aside, I am pretty sure that I would never be able to stop whinging, making pointless comparisons of both places. Perhaps it would be safe to say that comparing both nations would be redundant as both countries are completely facing different sets of rules that we are to conform to as individuals, coming from separate nations.

However individually, some would find certain rules redundant, and some would find it somewhat beneficial. We're bombarded by choices everyday, trying to make right decisions after decisions, only to find that, one could never make every single choice a right one...

~

My colleagues down south, together along with their well dressed wives, were rather hospitable; completely different than what I had expected or rather was expecting. Most of the young lads, and women there are well dressed, probably due to the fact that the term 'going out' really means you're going out, even if it would only be over a cup of coffee. Something I find rather tasteful and elegant, not easily emulated as a nation of a whole. I probably should never mention, how I love the classy yet flashy nature of the women I came across in Singapore, from the make-up to the well coordinated colours of their dresses finally to their selection of shoes and matching accessories...


I now understand as to why life actually begins when you're 40. It's pretty simple, you have money. When you're 23 like myself, your career just starts to take off, and you're driving your mum's car to work, and you're raw as sushi, now how does life begin for you?

Hanging out with individuals older than you, not lesser than two decades are somewhat peculiar. Knowing that acting your age would definitely deter mind-blowing conversations. I stuck to the code, and tried my very best to conform to their every topic. All in all, it wasn't so much about the conversation, it was rather more about the companionship and experiences that I would never have, knowing that I would never call a 40 or even 50 year old out for a drink unless they're called your 'parents'.


We practically shifted from pubs to restaurants, and finally back to pubs. I find that alcohol was rather high in demand from their local consumers, made me felt as if alcohol was sold on every block of every well-named street. It felt as if alcohol were a subset of every agenda that was intended. By removing 'Alcohol' from the equation, it would make you a 'No Life'. I was well taught on the culture of Singaporeans, besides the beneficial training on pumps and hydraulics that was the main agenda and highlight of my few days stay.


Nevertheless, it was the people that made my stay a pleasure. I know I shall return someday, and would definitely get better at remembering the transit train lines...

Goodbye Singapore, until we meet someday.

east of the coast.

Kuantan town, during sunset.

Was about to say, how different life is for everybody else.

Do we choose to live in certain ways, just to conform to the society's living standards? Well, sometimes we just don't realise that at times, the lives we're living, the places we go to, the things we talk about, could determine how we act. Even the things we see, could have been a determinant of a certain way we behave.

I'm not going to try to be a psychologist here, and understand the behavioral patterns of our ethnic beings, but what I really wanted to talk about today, is merely about dreamy Kuantan. I couldn't find a better way to start, but who cares, at times words are the most genuine when they first come out right at the beginning...

The air was fresh, whilst droplets were evident on our windscreen from the earlier rain. As the evening sun was about to set, I took a short pause in what I was doing. It was a windy evening, looking from eight floors up...

From where I stood, amidst the balcony and dreamy Kuantan, I could hear the hustling and bustling sounds of Kuantan traffic coming from the side of my hotel room. Despite the minimal noise, I was left pondering on the many thoughts that have got me thinking about earlier. Some were happy thoughts, and some were just mere thoughts of life's uncertainties.

Life was slightly simpler there. People were friendlier, and some even took the time to smile at you, when both pair of eyes made contact. It was a business trip, which gave me an opportunity to experience east coast living.

I could remember ever so vividly, when I was very young in age, I followed a school trip on a bus packed with noisy kids to the east coast region. Its funny, how the only fond memories I had for that trip was this particular apartment that we were forced to put up a night in, that had roaches lurking around the edges of the walls. But of course, we were way too young to bargain, and life was way simpler back then. People were easily contented with what they had.

Kuantan indeed has changed. The streets were broadened and the amount of well-furnished shops with a delicate pinch of authenticity were plenty. Not to mention, shops were well-litted with flourescent lightings, painted and were indeed well colour coordinated. The people were well dressed, and all these were witnessed from the balcony of my hotel room. Sounds hard to believe, but a part of it were purely my imagination...

She took me out, on her Corolla that night itself. We had a blast, chatting the night through. Its fun when you get to listen about a place where someone else used to grow up in. That's when you realised, you weren't actually a part of it, but you would have craved to be somewhat a part of it just for that few magical seconds.

We drove by the beach at night, strolling through her childhood hung out spots, and finally we settled in at a nearby bar. I bought her a beer, and we continued our conversation. It was again, too short a meet. It was almost two in the morning, and I needed to wake up earlier the next day, because I had a few clients to blabber to. We were listening to her selection of songs in her Corolla, and I was taken aback as what we were listening to, were the beautiful sounds of "Stacy Kent" and "Norah Jones". I was pretty sure that I haven't met a jazz enthusiast for quite a fair bit of time now. We then took a very slow drive back to my hotel. We then continued our conversation in her perfectly parked car until we both realised that again, the time was too short, and we had to bid farewell to each other...

Well, it was a tad too short a business trip. As a matter of fact, business trips should take longer. Just when I was about to get use to the surroundings, I was already on my way back to reality.

I would definitely come back someday, I just don't know when.


Goodbye, with love.

perhaps the very last.

I like how we're both acting like stage clowns, putting up a show when everyone else is around.


I like how we smile at each other just to show everybody else how pretentious we could be. Great acting skills, even I find it hard to decipher what you were trying to portray at times. It makes me both sad and disappointed, but I guess it doesn't really matter anymore does it?

Strangely how you often acted both hot and cold towards me. It felt as if rotten apples were thrown at me over and over again. Don't I deserve to know as to why you're being hot and cold and shouldn't I be given an explanation? When we're both mobbed by a crowd, the intonation of your voice changes like the rough winds. And when only you're with me, you sound like spring, calm and relaxed. Though I often hate your ever changing weather, many times I felt like I lacked the courage to turn away. Perhaps, I've already gotten accustom to your ever changing weather.

Its funny how the time passes really fast when you don't want it to, and it doesn't move when you want it to. But it doesn't really matter anymore does it? I'm sick of all the "attractions", all your "sideshows", all of your ever so repetitive yet dull "magic tricks" and all your "show of the months"...

But, I'm still not over your "cotton candy" machines...

Just so you know.
_______________________________________________________
Over you, I'm never over
Over you, something about you,
It's just the way you move,
The way you move...me

-John Mayer

hot and cold, back or bold.

There had always seemed to be a certain place, where we tend to frequent.

_

I mean, there had to be a certain something about the environment or surrounding that we're somewhat attracted to be at. Perhaps, many of us just don't realise that we tend to frequent certain places on a routine basis. Well, maybe we were just avoiding the fact of trying to think of a new place to be all the time, as we were so comfortable just being there.

Many times, being alone in a certain place keeps you thinking about your very past, the present or even just about anything that deserves thinking about. There I am, sipping the same cup of latte at the same spot, every Monday night. I just can't seem to understand what provokes this peculiar behavior of mine. Perhaps, there were just way too many things I often felt like letting out, but there was never one I felt like telling to. Have I become an introvert after being the complete opposite when I was younger? Or have I just lost the interest of being that complete opposite I was when we were all still talking about guns and toys?

Would things change even more for me within this few years? Was life meant to be coloured, and only to be coloured by our own hands? Does it take two, just to turn something the other way round? I have this feeling, that I intend to keep to myself as long as I can, but somehow its going to burst just like a coloured baloon.

I'm just fascinated at how fate works, or if there ever was fate in this world. Well, if there never was fate, I wouldn't be going on and on about this post. I've met people from the past, people I've always wanted to meet, and people I've always wondered if we would ever meet again despite the different lifestyles we're going through. And most of the time, there has to be a certain someone, we'ved always hoped we would bump into. Where we would drive all the way to, despite having to drive a mile away, just hoping that certain someone would so happen be there as well. I bet, we've all been through this, or currently am going through.

So, can life be any more exciting? You tell me. Someone once said, that we determine our own fate. Making or not making a move, would often alter a certain path in our lives that might or might not be something we'ved expected. Most of the time, I try to make a move, more often than rather not trying to make a move, just so when I look back in time, I could gladly tell myself at least I made a move. But at times, there has to be certain choices in life, which are way more crucial than deciding to wear a blue or red-coloured tee. Then timing plays a vital role in influencing me to make a decision or not. Whether it was bad timing, or good timing to make a move or not.

So what the hell am I talking about?

I don't know. Or maybe I do know, its just that deep inside there is something or some would refer to it as an 'instinct', telling me to "Wait, wait wait..."


"Wait for the right time, to make a move..."

But something else, or some might also refer to it as a 'secondary instinct' telling me...

"When is it ever the right time? Its probably now or never..."



I tend to want to believe the latter, so should I or should I not?

"We'll see, Kenneth...we'll see..."

_______________________________________________________
"Its just the two of us, getting into love, it takes two of us, to change the world..." - Robin Thicke

short.

Its amusing how this continuous long dry spell of my own deficiency in letting my thoughts out here, have finally been broken. Just this past two days, I had so many thoughts going on in my head. I can't seem to explain why, but perhaps my blogging pattern tends to emulate the cyclical trend of the world wide recession.

- -

"I had a great weekend..."

"I hope you did too..."



So much for a post.
_______________________________________________________
"butterflies in my tummy, once again..."
- 26th June 09